THE SECRETS OF A GOOD MARRIAGE
by Dr. Martin G. Groder

A good marriage doesn't just happen -it evolves over time. trap: Marriages that were once exciting become boring because one or both partners are too afraid to confront the problems. Couples in dull marriages avoid meaningful discussions, meeting new people, participating in challenging activities and even thinking about their problems. Since boredom isn't a malignant problem, like alcoholism or wife battering, there's a delusion that it can be safely ignored. But boredom is the greatest threat to a fulfilled life. To revive a dull marriage, you must recognize that only you and your mate have the power to make your marriage interesting. There's no magical formula. You need to take the risk of really confronting the longstanding problems in your marriage.

SIGNS OF A TROUBLED MARRIAGE

You don't look forward to time with your spouse. You find the time you spend with your spouse less interesting than most any other thing you do. The time you spend together as a couple feels like withdrawal from life. You're either passive or irritable around your spouse. You either become couch potatoes or constantly bicker.

TYPICAL SCENARIO: She's on the phone while he's watching TV and clicking the remote control. The activities you do together are monotonous and routine

MISCONCEPTION: It means you have a good marriage if you and your spouse spend a lot of time together.

WHAT REALLY COUNTS:

Whether you really enjoy that time. You don't reveal your inner feelings to each other anymore. You don't deal with difficult issues. Least-talked-about issue: MONEY. There's an inner sense of terror that the marriage would come apart if something provocative was brought up. You complain about your mate to friends or family, but you've stopped complaining to him/her.

HUMDRUM: A WAY OF LIFE

The major reason marriages lose their dynamics is because of change. The relative levels of maturity and power in a marriage constantly change, depending on factors such as kids, careers, moves, etc. All of those major events rearrange the relationship and need to by talked through and worked out. If, instead, a couple deals with change by avoiding those topics, differences grow...and grow...and grow. A couple that isn't sharing their lives anymore quickly gets bored with each other.

EXAMPLE:

Larry and Jennifer married while in college, finished graduate school together and both got university teaching jobs. Their marriage was stimulating because both brought home their interest in their work. Then Jennifer quit to have kids, and Larry was offered a great opportunity across the country. The move resulted in Jennifer dropping out of her career pursuit, losing all her friends and support, and becoming a lonely, full-time mom. Larry, meanwhile, did brilliantly at each new level of responsibility. For fear of wrecking completely what had become an increasingly fragile structure, Larry and Jennifer never talked about the growing disparity between them. Larry wound up not talking much about work because it made Jennifer feel bad. Jennifer wound up not talking much about her problems with the kids because he'd blown up a few times listening to her complain. Neither talked about how to make it as a couple when they had become so different.

A few years later, the children started school and Jennifer went back to work, but it didn't make a difference. She and Larry hadn't had a conversation about anything substantive in years and were bored to death with each other. Larry was having an affair with a graduate student and Jennifer had lost interest in sex. In dull marriages, there's an accumulation of dissatisfaction, resentment and problems that are not discussed. Each partner is terrified of being the one to bring up his/her feelings and being responsible for destroying the marriage. Consequently, each partner finds himself with no energy, no creativity and no joy. Always simmering under the surface is the fear of what they ought to be talking about. The creative energy that should go into the relationship goes into keeping themselves suppressed. The result is a gradual drifting away, until each one gets the feeling that he/she doesn't know the other person anymore. The likelihood that one or both will have an affair rises. Once one does have an affair, the specter of a real conversation is even more terrifying.

HOW TO REVIVE A MARRIAGE

Stop pretending that everything is okay. Acknowledge to yourself first that you are bored...and that the marriage has become dull. Take the risk of initiating a conversation about it. A good way to begin the conversation is by saying, 'I think we've gotten into a troublesome routine'. Reopen some basic questions. Ask yourself: Who am I? Who am I in this relationship? What do I want from this other person? Those questions can provoke meaningful discussions--IF the two of you are willing to share the answers. The conversation may be difficult, painful, unexpected and anxiety-provoking, but it's not likely to be boring.

Recognize that reviving a dull marriage isn't a safe procedure. But having a dull marriage isn't safe, either. It just seems that way. There is no way of knowing what will happen once you open up the marriage. Perhaps you have ducked this for too long and your mate is already involved elsewhere. Maybe your spouse has grown so blasé about marriage that he/she won't acknowledge that you two have problems or readily join you in solving them. Then again, your mate may be relieved that you took the initiative and be willing to join forces with you to bring the marriage back to life. You have to take the chance of putting your marriage on the line in order to save it.

Do something about a dull marriage early on. People are often bored with each other for so long that by the time they do something about it it's too late--all the good feeling is gone. Do it slowly. Usually the way people bring up boredom is by blowing up the marriage with an affair or a divorce. Acknowledge that you need support. Decide whether advice from good, able friends is enough or if you need to see a counselor. If the two of you see the problem very differently or aren't both committed to solving it, a counselor can help you past these barriers so that you can cooperate as a couple to save the marriage.

Frequently, people in dull marriages grow bitter, angry or resentful toward each other. If these emotions are present, a counselor can help you and your mate to move beyond such feelings and develop constructive ways to end the boredom and revive the love. Talking in front of a counselor makes it more likely that you both will open up. It makes the process safer because there's someone to provide structure, support and guidance. Attend a weekend couples workshop. If you can't get out of a rut alone, you may be able to do it in a group where it's part of the program. Decide that the opening-up process is important. It's not just a temporary fix.

Some couples think that all they need to do is talk a little, plan a trip and then their marriage is fixed. It doesn't work that way. Reassure yourself that every time you go through this process successfully, it's likely you'll be able to succeed at it again. You will slowly build communication skills, mutual trust, a sense of safety and the confidence that you can work things out together.