A WOMAN'S STORY I had been struggling with anger, hatred, and bitterness for many years. I grew up in a home where love meant that you had to do things for others, and always at your own expense. The trouble was that the things you had to do were often hurtful and shameful. I always believed that I was here just to be used by others for their own selfish needs. My father and mother were poor people who had to work hard to support us, as I know many others also had to. The difference was that in our case we had an uncle who lived with us. The home we lived in, in my childhood, was small with only a few rooms, which meant we had to crowd in at night to sleep. My uncle would always want to sleep in the same room as myself. Many times, late at night, I would feel his hands on me. I would stiffen and try to pull away, but he was much stronger than I. I hated his touch, but at the same time I was very scared of him. He was a very angry man, and I believed that he was capable of hurting me and my family. He told me so, often, to scare me into not telling anyone. I believed him. This went on for about a year, when, for some reason, he had to go away for a couple of months. I thought that this was my chance to do something about my situation. I first told my mother what had been happening. Her response was not what I expected. I though that she would immediately call the police or do something like that. Instead, she told me that I had to have been dreaming the whole thing. She told me to keep it to myself or that I would cause a big family problem. I got so angry at her that I decided that I would tell my dad instead. It was his brother anyway, and I though he would want to do something to protect me, especially since my uncle was going to be gone for a while. I thought that this would give my dad some time to prepare some action against my uncle. Instead, what happened was that he started shouting at me that I was sick to be accusing anyone of doing something like that. I now know that my dad was very afraid of his brother. At age 16 I ran away with the first guy that paid any attention to me. I always saw myself as a used, unattractive, and worthless person, so it did not matter that all the guy really wanted was someone he could have sex with, and who would practically be his maid. I just wanted to get out of that terrible home, and away from those people I learned to hate. I did not stay long with that guy (about 2 years), he began hitting and abusing me emotionally almost from the beginning. It took me a bit, but I finally decided that I did not have to stay with him, so I started looking for a way out. I soon met my first husband, he seemed like the perfect guy. He was a mostly quiet man, and at least had a job. He wined and dined me, and told me how he would love me forever. I so desperately wanted that to be true. I was now 19 years old. The "honeymoon" lasted about four months when I walked in on him and caught him looking at naked women on the internet. He exploded on me about how I was a snoop and did not trust him. The argument grew into yelling and shouting, and that was the first time he hit me. Afterward, he apologized over and over, and I decided to "forgive and forget." Boy, was that a mistake. Things only got worse after that. I have since learned through counseling, that "Where there is no consequence, there is permission." That marriage kept getting worse, even though we both got "counseling" from the local priest who basically just told us to quit fighting and learn to get along. Yea, sure! I met my second husband while still married to the first (now I was about 21 years old). I noticed him because he was the nicest person I had ever known. He was going through a divorce himself, which he said was because his wife had been unfaithful. I did not question him further on that, though now I wish I had. After both our divorces, we got married. One year later, almost to the date (we were about to celebrate our first anniversary), during a "party" at a friend's house. I walked in on him and the friend's wife, in the restroom, having sex. Needless to say, things started getting very bad very quick. In an attempt to get "everything out in the open" and to get me to "forgive" him, he admitted that he had been seeing her since even before we got married. I packed up my stuff and got out of that relationship as quick as the ink would dry on the divorce papers. Shortly after this, I met a guy at a church meeting, to which I was invited. Again, he seemed like the perfect guy as well. I mean, can't you trust guys who go to church? He told me he was separated from his wife, and that they were going to get divorced, he said, because she was controlling and manipulative. He started telling me he wanted to marry me. I decided to play detective, and got in touch with his wife, and found out the truth. They were separated because he had had an affair, and had hit her during an argument. I got away from that guy like a deer running from a hungry lion. It was at this time, at age 23, that I started realizing that it was probably me that was my problem. I was tired of finding the same sick guy over and over. The same guy, just different names and faces. It was either that all men were bad, or that maybe I just did not know how to find healthy men. A friend, who had been helped by NewLife Christian Counseling Ministry through counseling, recommended me to them. I was between jobs, at the time, and thought that they would not be able to see me. Instead they immediately assigned a counselor to me, and started the sessions. They have also provided me with reading material which has helped me much. The also have given me some CDs to listen to, that relate to my personal circumstances. They have been a real blessing to me. The NewLife counselor helped me to take a clear and, at first deflating, look at my life pattern. I started learning how my relationships as a child, both good and bad, have had such a powerful impact on my life. I have been learning that I was not "ruined" when I was a child, that in God's eyes I was as pure as clean snow. I am learning to respect myself, and working on how to show real love to myself, so that I don't have to look for the sick love of sick men. I am still going through counseling. I recently got a job, and am now able to pay for my sessions. Rev. Juan Perez, pastor and Lead Counselor of NewLife, told me that there were people who donated to the ministry to help people like me. I want to say, "thank you for helping me with your donations. My life is changing because of you." - Jane PLEASE DONATE TO NEWLIFE